5 Big Anxieties About Sex (And Why You Should Stop Worrying)
The following story first appeared on Kinkly.com.
Sex is about being in the moment. At least good sex is. The problem is, most of us think about way too much - and not in a productive way. And all that thinking can get in the way of the deed - and of our relationships.
Even if you're pretty open about what happens between the sheets, for every 10 questions you voice, there are probably a few you never utter. Here are a few common questions we tend to ask ourselves, and why sometimes maybe we shouldn't.
1. Does this lingerie make my butt look big?
Ladies, so many of our insecurities about the way we look during sex are in our heads, not on our butts, bellies and thighs. If you and your partner have already made it to the bedroom (or sexy destination of your choice), then it’s pretty much guaranteed that the only thing your honey has on the brain is gettin' some. From you. Can a flawless fantasy woman be held and kissed and made love to? No, but a real woman, like you, is perfect for the job. (Get more tips in 8 New Year's Resolutions for the Best Sex Ever.)
2. Did she really have an orgasm or is she faking it?
For women, this can be a loaded question: Statistics show that somewhere between half and 80 percent of women fake it. How can a guy tell if a woman's oohs and ahhs are all show or the real deal? We’ll get right to it: If it only took five minutes to get there with little or no foreplay, she's probably faking it (and if she isn't, you have a very rare specimen on your hands!). The average woman takes between 15 and 40 minutes to have an orgasm, so five minutes probably won’t push her to O-Ga-Ga Land.
That said, orgasms aren't the only indicator of satisfaction. According to Elisabeth Lloyd in "The Case for the Female Orgasm," a very comprehensive book on the subject, about 20 percent of women seldom or never have orgasms during intercourse. About 5 percent never have orgasms, period. So are all these women totally dissatisfied with their sex lives? Most say no. Intimacy counts too. Plus, even if you can come at the drop of a hat, you know that a lot of the pleasure in the sexual encounter comes before the final act.
3. He doesn't want to have sex right now. Does that mean he's having an affair?
Contrary to popular belief, men don't have sex on their minds all the time. Statistically speaking, it only crosses their minds about 19 times a day. Men love sex, but there are still times when they just aren’t in the mood, and many of these instances have nothing to do with who they're sleeping with. Stress, illness and just plain old exhaustion can sometimes zap even the most persistent libido. And if he’s too tired to have sex with you, chances are he isn't getting it up for the hottie next door either.
Barring other relationship issues, a man's libido could also be affected by a medical condition. Some men experience erectile dysfunction as they get older, especially if they already suffer from medical issues that can exacerbate the condition, such as high blood pressure or heart disease. If erectile dysfunction persists, visit a doctor to pinpoint the cause. (To learn more about some of the causes of ED, check out The Flaccid Truth About Erectile Dysfunction.)
4. Does she really expect me to have sex for three hours straight?
Short answer: No. Long answer: It depends on what you mean by "sex." Generally, if a woman says she wants a man to take his time, she means more foreplay, not three hours of vigorous humping (because that just isn't fun - for anyone).
For women, great sex involves a long slow build-up. Intercourse is one way to cap it all off, but because most women can't orgasm from this kind of stimulation alone, it's important to mix things up beforehand with manual stimulation, oral sex or sex toys. Plus, many men can't last that long anyway. Why rush to the finish line rather than savor all the fun stuff that can come before?
5. What if I want to have hot sex, not make love?
Some people would argue that doing the nasty and making love are the same thing. And physically speaking, they kind of are. But on an emotional level, they are worlds apart. Quickie sex should not be discounted. It's hot, it's decadent and being wild and spontaneous can really spice things up - even if you are bent over something horribly uncomfortable. But in a long-term relationship, it should never be a staple. There's a time for can't-get-my-hands-off-you sex, and there's a time for spending time together, learning to really enjoy and please each other, and cuddling up together when it's all over. That's about more than sex - it's about building a relationship. Indulge in the art of love with someone you love regularly. The rest of the time, grab the saddle and pony up for a fast hard ride.