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"Grope" of Catholic Cardinals Gather For a "Molestation"

Jon Stewart unlocks the secrets of the conclave.
 
 
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On last night’s Daily Show, Jon Stewart took a gaze inside the mysteries of the conclave, as cardinals gather to elect the next pope. Stewart reviewed some of the candidates, including Cardinal Leonardo Sandri of Argentina who says, “The church needs to do a better job of reaching out to women.”

“Maybe you could consider one of them for pope,” Stewart suggested, “Oh, too much? How about for cardinal? Bishop? Priest? Well, good luck with that outreach.”

Stewart then turned to senior Vatican correspondent Aasif Mandvi, who presented a couple dramatic “ad buys” for papal prospects.

Mandvi aired an impeccably produced attack ad against Cardinal Marc Ouellet, questioning his “fealty to the Doctrine of the First Council of Ephesus.”

“Beware of schismatics like him,” said a deep ad voice, “They’re a threat to our very monophysitism.”

Finally, Stewart hashed out some Sistine secrets and Latin terminology with Samantha Bee.

“The collective noun for a group of Catholic cardinals is called a grope,” Bee explained.

Stewart, rather startled, continued, “So, the grope of cardinals, they gather in the Sistine chapel for a…”

“For a molestation,” Samantha Bee interrupts, “That’s the liturgical name for the papal voting session. And believe me, that can take a while.”

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